In spirit of valentine’s day I would like to share a personal story about the journey I made with my heart.
For most of my years leading into adulthood, I was quiet, reserved, didn’t make any friends, spent most of my time alone. For the longest time I would ask “why am I like this,” it didn’t feel like my natural self. I spent years trying to find the answer, eventually I reasoned it was because I relocated many times in my childhood, often losing friends I made along the way. So to protect myself emotionally I would unconsciously distance myself from making new friends and from people in general.
It felt like I didn’t belong anywhere, so eventually my self worth began to depreciate. I read books, learned how to build and fix computers, played video games, I used these things to numb the pain I felt from the distance I put between myself and others. I never got involved with drugs or alcohol though. Deep down I knew these experiences were here for a reason and there was a way to overcome them. Only I wasn’t old enough to see the overall picture.
It wasn’t until my early 20’s I decided to actually feel my emotions. The pain I carried became so great I reached a breaking point, I felt so alone, deserted, rejected, and hurt… then something finally clicked. I realized I was withholding love, and the more I withheld it from others, the greater the pain. The love you withhold is the pain that you carry. As I began to invest more in my self worth, it was easier to fill the void with love, and the pain I carried for several years finally started to dissolve.
All those times I felt excluded from a group, or rejected by a person; every time I felt unworthy, I only needed to fill that space with love and I would have been included. How amazing it is to finally feel the love you had inside you all along.
Happy Valentine’s day.