In spirit of valentine’s day I would like to share a personal story about the journey I made with my heart.
For most of my years leading into adulthood, I was quiet, reserved, didn’t make any friends, spent most of my time alone. For the longest time I would ask “why am I like this,” it didn’t feel like my natural self. I spent years trying to find the answer, eventually I reasoned it was because I relocated many times in my childhood, often losing friends I made along the way. So to protect myself emotionally I would unconsciously distance myself from making new friends and from people in general.
It felt like I didn’t belong anywhere, so eventually my self worth began to depreciate. I read books, learned how to build and fix computers, played video games, I used these things to numb the pain I felt from the distance I put between myself and others. I never got involved with drugs or alcohol though. Deep down I knew these experiences were here for a reason and there was a way to overcome them. Only I wasn’t old enough to see the overall picture.
It wasn’t until my early 20’s I decided to actually feel my emotions. The pain I carried became so great I reached a breaking point, I felt so alone, so deserted, so hurt… and something finally clicked. I realized I was afraid of love, and the more I withheld it from others, the greater the pain. The love you withhold is the pain that you carry. This thought echoed in my mind and the more I realized the truth in this, the pain I carried for several years finally started to dissolve.
All those times I felt excluded from a group, or a person; every time I felt unworthy, I only needed to fill that space with love and I would have been included. How amazing it is to finally feel the love you had inside you all along. If we have crossed paths and I appeared cold and distant, I am sorry and I am taking full responsibility now.
I only wish I realized this sooner. Most people don’t really know me or even got a chance to because of the thick emotional barrier I’ve put around myself. Maybe a lot of us go through something similar and reach our own breakthroughs. I’m just sharing my thoughts here because I don’t want anyone else to go through what I went through. Just open up friend, don’t be afraid to feel, and don’t be afraid to love yourself and others.
Happy Valentine’s day.